the diary of a sad man

I wrote this back on September 29 of this year on a day I was feeling kind of down. It always helps to get these things out I'm told. At this point, I don't even remember if it helped . . .

It is while trapped in the depths of my own mind that my despair begins to overtake me . . . it is there, in my perfect memory that I able to relive all of the cherished moments of my past, the tastes, the sights, the sounds of all my precious past loves . . . I combine all of my happiest memories, I discard all of those which make me sad . . . but it is this euphoria within myself that makes the outside world seem so melancholy . . . it is only as time passes that I realize that there is no way to return to that which seems so vivid, that which feels like it could have happened only yesterday really drifts further and further into what almost never was . . . and what seems to only have ever been a dream. Did any of my happy memories ever even take place? It feels as if they are from so long ago. It’s almost a struggle just to think of them. I feel the pain deep within me . . . a heart that craves love, but receives nothing but emptiness in return. I give and give of myself, but receive no reciprocation. Why do I bother? WHY? It angers my soul that I have no one to turn to . . . no shoulder to cry on, no companion to lean on. Am I not a good enough friend? That simply cannot be, but let’s look at the facts, shall we? I’m alone, aren’t I? I simply despise the sight of anyone whose tries to get close to me, right? I feel like a mere shell, an outer carcass . . . a decomposing animal without any substance. My feelings have always betrayed me. They are the reason I sit here, feeling sorry for myself, THEY are the reason that I sometimes don’t see the point of my life anymore . . . THEY are the reason I am alone, and will probably be, for all eternity. I am my own worst enemy. I always have been. Everything good that has ever happened to me, I have found a way to self-sabotage. I am unworthy of love. My despair drains me . . . my soul lacks energy.

As I re-read that, I found it a bit depressing. Fortunately, the playground is once again in full effect. So beware, and be aware.