New Forms of Transportation

(hang tight, the intro doesn't last long)

So apparently they've made miniature jet engines the size of a button. But there's no way we can use that to transport ourselves. They want to use it as a replacement for batteries. It's pretty cool.. Check it out:

http://www.technologyreview.com/articles/04/11/freedman1104.asp

But that's not what I want to talk about. What I'm really talking about is new modes of transportation that Alex Kelly (the funky fresh's younger brother/drummer for "band from society") and I have developed for the near future. See that you are not amazed.

1st: The Ford Mammoth.

It's the size of a medium-sized factory (anyone familiar with M&M Mars?--yeah, about that big). It's got no wheels, because it's actually shaped like a giant Wooly Mammath, sans the wooly, of course. It would require an elevator to reach the floor of the driving compartment. Unfortunately it's so luxiury that there's only room for one, unless you order the manual transmission model. This model requires 2 people, in order to manually operate the 4 seperate legs. Also, it can be equipped with tusks to remove vehicles and even small buildings from your path. Nothing can stop you in your Ford Mammoth, except maybe the Ford Brontosaurus scheduled to appear in 5 years after the Mammoth's release.

2nd: The Daewoo Underoos.

We're always on the run, especially when you've got the runs. Why not shoot over to the potty in your daewoo underoos. This thing really zips! (basically a pair of underwear with wheels under your rump.) They kind of make you look like you've got a load in your pants--wear baggy pants.

3rd: The Cadilliac Catapult.

Only outdone by the Cadilliac Trebuchet, this mechanism hurls you to (at?) your destination at breakneck speeds, and can be programmed to meet you at your destination by the time you're ready to go home!

4th: Subaru Subterrainian WRX.
They say the fastest way to any one point is a straight line--so why go around on top of the earth, when you can go STRAIGHT to your destination! This is equiped with emergency escape hatch at the top, and a great security system. Enter through the back of the vehicle, at Entrance Chute. If you are not identified as the owner, you will be hurled out Mortar Style.

There were some more, but I'm a little foggy on the details.
okay, wait, I remembered one last one...

5th: Honda Slug

0-38 mph in 51 days. There's not even enough fuel in this thing to keep it going for 51 days, and that's why we like it! This baby is just right for dangerous drivers, because they can never really get fast enough do any real damage! It looks like the mix of a snowmobile and a toboggan. Really sleek.