Life Part 2
by There is no one place to start. The best way to distinguish between where I've been, and what I've been through until now, is just to call it Life Part 1. Where I am today and where I go from here will be Life Part 2.
The most important constant that I have had is my relationship with Jehovah, that will NEVER change.
People always say we are our own worst critic or enemy. The perception I have of myself has often been the most detrimental to me. Rather than a simple self evaluation to keep on point; I've frequently been given to overanalyzing decisions , dissecting, and degrading myself even in areas where I had seemingly progressed.
Gradually I've gotten to a point where I've found a balance. No everything isn't roses but, don't always expect the worse. The biggest encouragement has been in my new hall. Being surrounded by friends (as well as the people in general) that come such diverse circumstances allows for me to be more open. I can be more open about who I am and where I'm coming from without fear of a negative light being cast on me. I can’t change many things but, to know that my experiences although very painful ones are not unique to me take a large weight off my chest.
This evening I learned that the mother of a woman I studied w/ passed away. It hit me so fast that I didn't have time not to react. At first I was concerned that my reaction was an inappropriate reaction. It wasn't that I was crying, it was whether this reflected badly on the purpose for which we had come in the first place; the fact that we share something positive to look forward to.
Half way into the visit I remembered that more than once recently the point was touched on... how in John 11 Jesus wept that Lazarus had died and it certainly wasn't for a lack of faith. The fact that the latter was my thought process really encouraged me in two ways:
1) The news of this death hit me so hard because certainly I had personal interest… but more realizing that I actually loved this woman and will miss her for the remainder of this system of things.
2) I’m not thinking so much in my own terms, with the constant self-degradation I’m much more reasonable.
Where did this all come from how did I get here? I've spent quite a bit of time with someone recently who's been a great friend, given me a lot of perspective, and really appreciated me when I couldn't appreciate anything about myself.
I dedicate this journal to "Life Part 2" let's see what's next :P
AI Summary
3 Comments
ok, THIS is a journal. thanks for sharing this with us. sorry to hear about your friend's death.
i hate to spout that "we're our own worst enemy" cliche stuff, but it's true sometimes. i know people that hate themselves outright and rationalize these perpetual destructive cycles that weigh so heavily on them they can barely breath. but like you said, balance is important and knowing you're worth much to Jehovah is very strengthening. s'good to hear you've got someone in your life that's been a positive infuence. and i'll add that crawling out from underneath a self-criticism complex is a huge thing. some people NEVER get away from that. it appears you've got your head on straight, Liv
wow, Livy.
I can kind of relate. It was such a shock to hear that a sister in my hall had died. She wasn't old. She wasn't in an accident. She just died. I've never been so shaken. Actually thinking about it.... I'm starting to tear up. I remember when they announced it, the whole congregation gasped, literally gasped. It was one of the most aweful things I've ever experienced. I had to give the prayer that night, at the conclusion of the meeting. I almost lost it like 500 times during the prayer. oops. Had to stop typing to wipe my eyes.
Jehovah never wanted things to be this way and in his nature of love, he also provided the only means of escape from this system. Satan is the cause behind all of the horrible things we experience. When you think about how unnatural life is in his system, and he's responsible, you just have to hate him. And I never want to support him in anyway, if i can help it. This is the perfect time to strengthen your bond with Jehovah by lots of prayers (which I'm sure you're already doing)
I'm so sorry! Honestly, I'm not sure if you can ever really "get over" the death of a loved one. You just reach a point (and for me, that point may come, some time in the future, 4 years later) where you stop crying about missing the person and start remembering all the good times you had. You have a smile mixed with tears. Don't beat yourself up. Take as much time as you need.