Your Opinion Needed... REAL JOURNAL
by I have a bit of a dilemma. Please just try to foget that you hate me and pretend that this is coming from someone you're friends with.. haha.. and hear me out.
My cousin was engaged to a brother, and then due to personal circumstances, things did not work out. This was about six months ago, that everything fell apart, and it was my cousin that broke off the engagment.
Her ex-fiance is a good friend of mine, and has been a pretty good friend for a long time. He and my cousin as well as my boyfriend and I used to go out together almost every weekend for their year long courtship. We still go out together, but obviusly if we invite the ex-fiance we don't invite my cousin. And if we invite my cousin we don't invite the ex-fiance. Anyway, I love my cousin, she's my family. But I also really do like her ex - he's a really great friend to both my boyfriend and myself.
As you can imagine this has created some controversy/dilemmas. Basically my cousin can't stand her ex, i duno there is a lot behind the story that I am not really wanting to share. But like sometimes she gets offended when we invite him to go somewhere and not ask her first, cos then she gets all bent saying "oh i dont' wanna see him and you already invited him" blah blah. I think it's pretty ridiculous. I mean, after all, they are still spiritual brother and sister. He is still a good friend, and one of my boyfriend's best friends as well. What happened between them was unpleasant, but it wasn't AS BAD as you may think, I've seen a lot worse.
I think it's really immature of my cousin to be making such a big deal out of this. I mean, if someone's having a party she actually asks them to PLEASE not invite her ex. And if they do, she won't show up. Even if it's a party of like 40-70 people AND she won't even ahve to talk to him. How ridiculous is that??
So what do i do about this situation? Should i keep talking to her and try to make her see that she is being completely immature and ridiculous?
I love opinions of people who are not involved in the situation, because then they are then the most honest :)
thanks
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20 Comments
well i'll marry your cousin and then we'll go play handball. problem solved. or you could keep talking to her and tell her she's more immature than the a bucket full of monkeys. Please. mistakes and problems happen . get over it. suck it up. get some closure. tell her to like burn him or his stuff or something. once closure is obtained everyone can go back to munchkin land , look all small and cute and sing songs in bright pastel colors. " look at me i'm weearing a dull yellow with a dull pink but life is so great becuase i have a lollipop as big as my head ... weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"
This is weird.. how does the brother feel about seeing her? It would be one thing if he broke things off and she didn't want to see him, that's understandable... but she broke it off and she is acting like that? Maybe she's more embarrassed by the break up? Maybe she's uncomfortable about something? I say keep doing what you're doing... it's her loss if she doesn't want to hook up on those occasions... let the brother know what the situation is if you haven't already, just be up front and let her know that whatever happened with her and this brother is between them and you and your boyfriend are still friends with him. I dunno... I look forward to the day my ex-wife is reinstated so I can be friends with her again... no romance or anything like that with her, but maybe I'm strange for feeling that way...
I think a nice trip to hawaii to come visit me in 3 years would fix everything, who cares about the time in between :)....I agree with thailily, CLOSURE..or a bag of doritoes!
I think that you first need to make her understand that its childish to act like that. Not that she necessarily HAS to spend time with him, but at least get past whatever issues she's dealing with, so that she can at least be around him, and not put you in the middle of the 2 of them. It's not fair to YOU to have to choose between then, regardless of whether or not you're related, because as you said, you're all spiritual brothers and sisters.
EDIT TO THE STORY - i have to add this... the ex-fiance just started dating another sister .. like.. a couple weeks ago - this is why this is an issue right now.. heh - and the new girlfriend HATES my cousin. I mean like HATES. My cousin doesn't hate the girl, but the girl thinks she hates her. And the ex-fiance doesn't care either way. It's all very stupid.
this is what you do... you should take your cousin's ex and place him in a hospital . and then tell your cousin that he has cancer (or another terminal illness like a cold or something). and then the ex wants her to visit him. then his new girlfriend will be there. and they both begin grieving and hugging each other. as they start hugging each other you take pictures. (send them to me) and then as they finsih crying tell the ex fiance to wake up and be like "Surprise I'm not dead " and then you can all look back at the moment they were crying , because you have pictures, and it shows how small their fights are when this man could have lost his life because of a cold. BOOM. solution found. puzzled solved. case closed.
HAHHA, Thai that was histerical!
I don't think it helps to make anyone think they're being immature, even if they are. Everyone's feelings are important to them, no matter how immature they are. Her reaction may be immature, but her feelings are certainly valid, after all, she was the one in the relationship, she might feel something she hasn't told you, and you may not fully understand how she feels. If I were you, I would just give her time. That's all any break-up takes to overcome. I broke up with someone over 3 years ago, I have a boyfriend that I love more than anything, but still when I see my ex, I get really uncomfortable. At first I was just as immature about it as your cousin. It's only been recently that I can talk to him in a fairly human way. I wouldn't stress too much, I think these things have a way of working themselves out. Your cousin will get over it, especially because you're family; she knows you love her and you know she loves you. That's the most important thing to remember, but we can all admit that that fact gets a little cloudly sometimes. Just give her time to let it become clear again.
Very good points. She did say that my calling her "immature" and constnatly inviting this guy places shows my insensitivity to the issue. I thought she was ridiculous, but yeah, i've never been in that situation. Thanks.
wow, 6 months after the fact and she's still obsessing...i could understand 2 months maybe 3...but at 6!! they cant be civil to eachother? cheeeeze.
what about cheeze. i dont know if i like cheeze per sayyyyy... i mean it's nice in an omelette but then you think about it.. is it neccessary. i dont know. it's milk thats been hardened somewhat. can you imagine some taking your spit , cleaning it, hardening it and the called it speeze. would you slap a piece of that on your sandwhich. i wouldn't.
THIS is why I am allergic to cheese. It's clearly just cow spit. Actually that's like saying cats are clean animals, just because they lick themselves and are covered in cat spit.
They were engaged..that's very serious. Some people can't get over that. My sister was almost engaged to a boy once and three years after the fact it still bothers her. Not in an immature way where she won't see him, they're friends, but he recently got married and it was hard for her to handle it.
Well it's not that she's uncomfrotable around him.. she does NOT want him back. She just doesn't like him, and regrets ever being with him. hah. Does that clear things up or make them more confusing?
I think what Lindsay said.. "some people" is on the money. In another post one here I mention my ex-wife. She's DF'ed and our divorce is scriptural. We were married almost 10 years, including courtship and everything, we were together for over 11 years. I don't want her back, but I know if she's ever reinstated, I would want to be at that meeting to welcome her back... but that's me. That doesn't mean I want her back or have a desire for her in that way again, but she will be my sister once again. For some other people it's harder to do... so it depends on the makeup of those involved. I guess just respect her feelings and make it clear that you harbor no resentment towards the brother and that you are still friends with him. If she feels betrayed by you at all, that's her "problem" and she has to live with that...
having never been in a position to have an 'ex', i can't say how that must feel for her to see her 'ex', especially now that he's happy with a new girlfriend. as was said earlier, all that is need now is time. u have to respect her feelings, but she also has to respect your decisions.
seeing your ex is a hard thing to go through... just keep that in mind..
I always like to preface a tough conversation with "you know I love you, right?" That kind of softens anything you have to say. But you need to make her understand that even though you are sympathetic to her feelings, the situation she is creating for you is unfair and insensitive to you. Let her know that when you invite her ex, it is not a conscious effort to hurt her, but she needs to realize they are seperate relationships and she cannot expect you to drop a friendship for someone she harbors bad feelings for. Maybe she feels that this guy what this guy did is so bad or shows such a bad character that it makes her uncomfortable or angry for him to be friends with you. I know I felt that way for a long time. I understand your cousin's feelings b/c I had them too, but I just had to find my own way through and could not expect mutual friends to choose sides. Let her know you will continue to invite them both to places, and it is HER choice to go or not. Afterall, no one said she had to talk to him.
You know i love YOU! right ?
And I love you, too, you sweet asian thing!