Most Awesome Ebay Auction Description EVER!!!

I saw this on Ebay... the link is HERE http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=2950753962&category=1469

Description is as follows:

Weird Gross Straw that fell out of my ceiling!

This offer is truly CONTINUMONGUS!

This is the latest thing to fall out of my ceiling. I really should do something about that... but for now I'm selling whatever comes outta there.
Let me tell you how I came upon this latest treasure. I was sitting at my computer [as I usually am when listing items on eBay] and it struck me that I hadn't sold anything that had fallen out of my ceiling. This wouldn't seem strange to most people, but I'm not most people. So I went aboot the house, looking for something that would sell well on eBay. Failing to find anything, I just stuck this white drinking straw up in the rafters and waited for it to roll out and hit me on the head. I got tired of waiting for it to roll out, and remembering Newton's 1st Law, I went to the kitchen and ate an apple.
When I came back and shook the air duct, the straw rolled out and hit me on the head. When I regained consciousness, the straw was lying beside me and looking rather ordinary. So I chewed on it.
Still, the straw seemed to be missing the unique qualities that could make it a successful auction widget. So I swooshed it around in the cobwebs in the basement ceiling. I know, I know, I should use a broom, but if you saw my basement, the ceiling cobwebs would be the last thing you'd worry about.
I can say with almost complete certainty that the straw is not wanted here anymore. It probably would still work as a straw too, but I'm not about to try it. With a little bit of detergent, and elbow grease, you could probably get it drink-worthy again.

Why buy it? Well, why not buy it, you have money don't you? I bet you'd be the first weirdo on the block to have one, and it would look stupendous hanging hanging over the mantle. I can't recommend using this unless you have some phobia about drinking from the edge of a glass, cup, or mug. I'm telling you, this straw is as nasty as a tornado in a trailer park.

So warm up your wallet, and place a bid today. I can't think of anything else to say that would convince you to buy this. In fact the more I say, the less likely you'll remember to press the Bid button. So do it now. Please? Pretty please? OK, you know you really should. It will help the economy. Yeah. That's it! It will help the economy if you buy my gross straw.

This is a rare ceiling artifact. However, I may flatten the straw for easy mailing.
If the bidding goes high enough, I may be able to afford to put real ceiling tiles up in the basement. For now I'll just have to hope that no more straws fall out of there and crack me on the noggin'.

This item will be not cleaned per manufacturer's instructions because then it loses its unique appeal. I repeat, do not attempt to draw tasty liquid into your mouth using this straw. Ever. Ever, ever! You might get sick and would be unable to bid on more of my auctions. And that would be bad for the economy.
I considered including a stick that you could poke this odd item with, but since a straw is a lot like a stick already. I won't add the extra weight, so you'll have to find your own "gross straw pokin' stick".
Please do not email me telling me there are evil, or good faces in the straw. I don't want to have nightmares about this thing until I mail it to the winning bidder.

Features of this product:
none that are positive
Use "The Straw" only as recommended:
This particular straw may still technically function, but under no circumstances are you to touch it to human lips.
BONUS
But wait! The Winning bidder will also be cool, as certified on paper! But wait even more! If you send payment within 2 business days of the auction closing, I'll send bonus Canadian Tire money!

Your name appears on a piece of paper, if you win this sale!
The Terms Of Service [If you bid without reading these, heaven help you]:

I take the following forms of payment:

Monopoly money [exchanged at 0.0005% face value]
Canadian Tire money [at face value]
Traveler's cheques
Shiny beads and trinkets
Gold coins
Chocolate bars
Mexican Pesos
Australian, UK or Canadian cash, coins or Money Orders.
American cash preferred. Lots of it please.
Passionate Kisses
PayPal balance transfers in US$ are accepted if you don't have any of the above payments to offer. No credit cards. No means none, notta, zippo!
All legal currency must be dated from after the year 2000, since I don't want it to have the Y2K bug. I prefer USA cash, but you are welcome to pay how you like.

There is no handling fee, you only pay the shipping.
I will put your separate eBay items in one package, to save you money. Weight and thickness restrictions of the package may limit how many you can combine.
Fairly Stern Warning to NPB deadbeats:
No Non-Paying-Bidders please! If you back out, I will haunt your dreams until you fulfill your contractual obligation to pay me. By asking for a refund you forfeit your ghost to me but it will be returned if you bake me a cake and hand deliver it.

As per eBay regulations this sale is void where prohibited by penguins, or your local law enforcement.
[ The following was written in a white font:
If you can read this you are very clever. Please tell all your friends to L@@K at my auctions. You are getting very sleepy.... Wooooooooooo!
]
Here are some comments from my past buyers about my auctions:
"If you'd sell the rocks in your head, you'd be a millionaire by now." - Medicine Hat, AB
"Geeze, computer_saskboy! Get a life..." - Moose Jaw, SK
"The finest quality used junk I've ever seen on the Internet..." - Springfield, IL
"Oh my!" - Climax, SK
"Thanks for proving that anything CAN be sold on eBay!" - New York, NY
"DUDE! Your auctions rock as hard as mine!" - London, UK
"I laughed, choked and water backed through my nose." - Victoria, BC

Here is the duct from whence it was born...

Right now I'm thinking you want to contact me and ask me if I'm serious. Let me assure you that I take eBay completely seriously and will treat your question with the utmost professionalism. If you don't email me to ask a question or give your opinion, you are being a poop head.

Sorry to keep going on like this, but I just remembered that if you don't leave feedback for me,
I'll have a self esteem hissy fit.
Consult my eBay About ME page for handy links pertaining to everything important.

Please see my other auctions which feature a variety of items. I'm a very diverse seller.

No drinks were hurt in the making of this listing.
Copyright computer_saskboy 2003
Some auction text used with permission from eBay user mamasoul

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On 10-Sep-03 at 07:10:56 BST, seller added the following information:

Unfortunately, my picture host is working rather poorly this Wednesday morning. I'd like to blame this on "The Straw", but it is looking at me funny, so I'll say it was caused by a server outage so "The Straw" doesn't get more mad.
It has also come to my attention that someone injured himself while reading this auction listing. If you have injured yourself while reading my auctions, please sue eBay, not me! They have money, I don't [at least not until you pay me, after winning this auction].