ATTACK OF THE CICADAS!!

Hide the kids and stock up on bug spray, because coming this summer to a suburb near you: ATTACK OF THE CICADAS!! For those of you who don't know, cicadas are large, disgusting insects that emerge every seventeen years to FEED ON HUMAN FLESH!!

The cicada, or seventeen year locust, is nasty little creature that is related to the common locust. Upon birth it burrows down into the ground, where for the next seventeen years it feeds on tree roots, earthworms, and fossil fuels. At the end of this time it crawls out of its subterranean den to walk among, and terrorize, the living. Contrary to popular belief, cicadas are a highly intelligent species, they are the "mad scientists" of the animal kingdom and many have Master's degrees from Ivy League schools. Therefore, we can ill afford to take any chances!!

Generally, the cicada is about three to five inches in length, but many grow to be more than 24 inches long and weigh up to ten pounds. Even small doses of it's deadly venom have been known to kill a fully grown sperm whale, and it enjoys nothing more than the taste of human blood. Cicadas are also noted for being able to eat 5 times their own weight per day, and fly while carrying objects up to six times their own weight, which raises the following questions:

1. Has anybody seen Kate Moss lately??
2. Why does this article have more exclamation points and double question marks than an Archie comic book??
and most importantly...
3. What can I do to protect myself from these things??

Well, to determine whether the flying thing carrying off your firstborn is a cicada or not, note if it displays any of the following characteristics:

1. Kind of looks like a giant crustacean with wings.
2. Way more legs than necessary. (see Dave Barry on lobsters)
3. Emitting a noise that sounds eerily like AC/DC's "Highway to Hell" sped up 1000X normal play speed.
4. Laser(s) attached to head.
5. Huge red eyes that encompass 2/3rds of head, and/or resemblance to Robert Downy Jr.

These facts logically leads us to conclude the following: Cicadas are aliens. Which, if we put two and two together, leads us to another deduction: Cicadas want to kill you! Many may reject this line of reasoning as farce, however most discerning people recognize the threat that these menacing pests pose and are taking appropriate action.

For instance, alert reader Jason Connolly wrote me saying, "My fiancée Barbara and I were planning on having our wedding in July, however after reading your articles on the hazards of cicadas, we were forced to reconsider. Even though we live in the city and were planning on having both the ceremony and reception indoors, we decided that it was still not worth risking the potential dangers. I was able to convince my lovely bride-to-be that we should postpone our wedding until November... 2011."

So friends, when you’re in the frozen foods section at your local supermarket sometime this summer and you start to hear a high-pitched buzz, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to finish loading my fallout shelter with OFF!®.

Some interesting cicada links:

www.cicadaville.com - Useful cicada facts to help you protect yourself and your children.
www.cicadamania.com - Cicada stories, links, and merchandise.
http://www.msj.edu/cicada - Cicada watch 2004, gives you the lastest on the arrival of the deadly beast that is the cicada.