What are they thinking?

Next time you butcher a sentence in front of your friends or even while giving a talk, remember these quotes, which will inevitably lessen your embarrassment. How people can mess up so bad on official legal documents is beyond me. Here are some actual insurance claims...

"I sprained my wrist while putting sugar on the strawberries."

"I am a little hard of hearing so you can understand why I didn't see the cyclist."

"I admit I went through the intersection without looking to see if anyone was crossing, but I had gone through the same intersection less than an hour before and no one was there."

"I am planning to lend my car to someone who doesn't know how to drive, but beforehand can you please confirm that you'll pay for the damage he is likely to cause?"

"You are telling me that according to the civil code I am responsible for my children's action. If that's true, the people who wrote that must not have, like me, nine children to watch over."

"In place of the intersection they built a roundabout with priority for those coming from the left. Now I didn't expect that change and I lost control of my car."

"While going forward I smashed the rear light of the car in front of me. So I backed up, and in doing so smashed the bumper of the car behind me. That's when I stepped out of the car, but in doing so I knocked down a bicyclist with my door. That's all I have to declare for today."

"I rammed into a parked car and made sure not to tell the owner that I was responsible. I hope you are satisfied with me and will award me additional bonus points on my insurance."

"I smashed into a glass door during an 'open house' at the company."

"I had a work-related accident while dozing off under an apple tree."

"You know my cab has been turned into a hearse and now I only transport dead people. So since my passengers are not at risk, do you think it's reasonable to make me pay an additional insurance bonus in case they are involved in an accident?"

"The accident happened while I was changing girls."

"While pushing back a dog on a leash, its owner bit me."

"I read in my contract that you wouldn't reimburse me any repairs on my car for damage caused by my driving drunk. I am willing to pay you what it takes to get rid of that clause."

"You informed me that there is no such thing as theft between spouses. You obviously don't know my wife."

"I am stunned that you refuse to pay for this accident on grounds that I wasn't wearing my glasses. I swear the accident wasn't my fault. I simply didn't see the bicyclist when I ran him over."

"The cyclist kept zigzagging, going right and then left before I could pin him down."

"Since her accident, my wife is even worse than before. I hope you will take that into account."

"They determined that I had a 2.10 blood alcohol level and plan to convict me. You'll admit that considering the six to eight liters of blood in our bodies, that wasn't much."

"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind." (Thanks Sharon Burrows)

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."

"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."

"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."

"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."

"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."