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A friend and I were having an interesting discussion last night that I wanted to share with you guys and get your opinions on. We were talking about the best way for a guy to go about getting to know a girl that he is potentially interested in. We both agree that it's best to get to know each other as friends first, but we disagree about the best way for him to go about getting her to go to social events where he will be.
My opinion is that it's best if he just invites her to social events. Her opinion is that it's best if he gets one of her friends to invite her.
My reasoning is that if, after hanging out with her a few times at these kinds of events, he decides that she is someone he is interested in dating, then not having invited her himself shows a lack of confidence. It also seems to show a level of immaturity.
Her reasoning is that she will get the wrong impression. She will think that he just wants to be friends, and that when he finally does broach the subject of dating, she will be surprised and embarassed and possibly not want to be around him anymore even as a friend.
What do you guys think?
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33 Comments
Fatal flaw in paragraph 2, 2nd sentence. If you get her friends to get her to go, they are going to be telling her you like her and feeding her all this info while you have nothing to go on. Just ask yourself
With risk comes reward.
If she says no.. she says no. Oh well.
Send her back to the NEXT BUS
NEXT!
Hahaha, I've NEXT'D many a honey, because of toes, elbows, knees, eyes, faces, bewbs, shoes, parents, etc. There's a bus full of 'em that follows my Blazer around. i love it.
The other girl is lame. If a guy doesn't have the guts to ask a girl out himself, he's a dork. You're supposed to be friends with someone before you date them - that's called getting to know the person.
I think the question was more about how you go about becoming friends with a member of the opposite sex. Of course you would ask the girl out yourself once you had decided she was someone you were interested in dating. (After becoming friends.)
group settings are always best. like get a group togther & ask the one you're interested if she would like to join your group to whatever outing you're on. Its the best way to get to know someone and it takes any pressure of of you and the girl.
That was what I was trying to say, and it's what I've been doing. I'm glad other people, (and especially the sisters), agree with me. :)
Ahh - well, even so, asking a friend to ask someone else to do something is truly immature. Plus, when you hang around a girl more and talk to her more, even if it's just as friends, she'll know if you've got a twinge of interest in her. So I agree that a group setting is best.
getting your friends to ask someone 'out' for you is something people do in 4th grade, btw
That was sort of what I thought...
I have no idea whats going on here..
Nike Swoosh!
definitely if he wants her to know he's interested he should ask her himself. having her friends have her come is tantamount to "my friend over there likes you. Do you like him?" kind of stuff. keep the friends out of it
I second that notion... friends should mind their own business when it comes to setting people up... they should give their advice about what they think about the other person and you should take what they say into account, but when it comes to asking someone out, or planning something, its better to keep the friends out of it...
This is actually the thing I really don't understand about what my friend said. She said that if the guy is casually asking a girl to do different things, then she might get the impression that he's _not_ interested. Then, when he does bring up the issue of dating she will get really embarassed that she had misinterpreted his intentions, and possibly not even want to speak to him anymore.
I can sort of see what she means, but it still seems better to risk that, than to come off as unconfident.
well like was said casually doing things is a great way to get to know each other-same goes for her getting to know him. i mean after a while it may be possible to tell how she feels before the issue of dating is brought up. how does she act towards him? (in this case, it would be ok to get an outside perspective). Start inviting her to smaller events (movies with a few friends, dinner at your house with a couple of peole)-how does she react to that? There is no harm in prolonging the getting to know/friendship stage.
Yeah and plus if you reach a point where you feel your friends but don't want to go any further there's not gonna be as big an issue if your not involving other people. The more people involced the more complicated it is and more potential for trouble. Believe me I know that for a fact. OY!
I dont know maybe im wrong, but if a guy is casually inviting a girl to certain things, i think she would think that he enjoys her company at the very least. Also, I think that the longer the getting to know one another stage is the better because there is no pressure if one of the parties is no longer interested.
i pretty much agree with the Muff. get casual. no reason not to. there are little things a casual person can do to feel out a relationship than someone who's NOT casual and who's actions are being more closely scrutinized. if you're at ease with a person and the feeling is right, all the messages will come across and it'll go on. if not, the person can back up and enjoy a swell friendship, if he/she so desires. Dan, it sounds like your friend is a unique case. don't let 'er mess up your head.
What could also happen is that you become really good friends and there is no pressure to make it more than a friendship, but than when one of them starts getting involved with someone else, you feel the pressure that you have to say something, because you realize you could be loosing this awesome friend... what do you do than?
give him up. Its hard (i know ive been there) but you dont want to ruin anything for them. If they are really a good friend you will want them to be happy and maybe one day you can be friends again (im still waiting for this to happen)
I don't understand-if you don't want more than friendship, why would you say anything? how would you lose them as a friend?
I agree you should not say anything, it would prevent any weirdness that could be there... By just keeping quiet, as long as the person they are with or pursuing is a good person for them and makes them happy, you will continue to have a form of the friendship you worked so hard to develop...
Yeah totally with you on this one Janine, much less complicated this way for one thing and just seems like it's just a better overall idea.
It's a case by case thing for sure, but I personally would rather a guy ask me directly. I feel this way precisely because of the reasons you brought up. I'd think he was either shy, immature, or intimidated.
I'm curious to know what the girl thought about the reverse scenario. Would she invite guys out herself or support one of her girls doing that?
i do agree with you that it is case by case for the most part. there are factors-did you just meet? how long did you talk? do you have a common interest that you could invite her to (ex-show that both of you like the band)?
i wish i could edit my comments so i make sense. it seems like i am giving two contradicting views but i'm not. i'm just saying you might have to play it easy if you hardly said a word to her. it would be awkward if you met someone and talked to them for 5 min and then were like "hey want to come to my grandma's house for a family bbq" ya know?
Now that I understand. You definitely can't push a relationship (any relationship, really, even just a friendship) that quickly.
Well plus that's kinda soon to be interested in someone that way anyways. Should really know someone a little bit better than that before your all I'm interested in this person because then's it's pretty much just your attracted to them it being pretty much purely physical and that can be asking for trouble. In my opinion anyways.
I'm not sure. We didn't get into the other side of the issue.
One thing she did mention is that when she first met her husband she pretty much wrote him off, and that if he had tried to invite her to stuff she would never have gotten to know him. I don't quite see how that applied to what we were talking about, and I can sort of understand it, but it still seems a little immature.
my mom and dad were set up by a set of twins-one lived by mom, one by dad. they arranged to have my parents meet at the beach and both had a group of friends with them. when my mom saw the guys coming over the dunes, she thought i hope it's not the fat one. after a day with these guys, my mom was thinking PLEASE let it be the fat one! well, it was the fat one and they've been married over 30 years. i post this story to all my single girls out there. it's not wrong to be selective, but you might be pleasantly suprised when you go outside of your "type."
Any of the girls want to comment on this? It was a sister who said this and I want to get the female perspective.
you're right, man
I agree with you