Courtship
by So, I heard through the grapevine that when courting you should watch the amount of time you spend together. Okay, that's nothing new. But I began thinking..how much time is too much time? Different circumstances allow different couples to see each other different amounts of time. Some couples get to see each other every day while others only every so often. So, what is your opinion on this? How much time (like how many days) are too many? Is there really a limit? What have you all learned from prior experiences or what have you heard from the platform or read in the literature?
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haha all 10 year olds must leave now
I don't know specifics, only experience. When my husband and I were dating, we went to the same congregation, and lived 5 minutes away from each other. We were never in a car alone together, although there were times where we just wanted to be together, with no one else, so we'd get in our cars (separately...and we'd tell people where we were going), and we'd meet for dinner or something. We saw each other pretty much every day when we were dating/engaged, and no one ever seemed to have a problem with this, or think it was inappropriate. We were always REALLY careful about our courtship, because we never wanted the other person to look bad in anyone else's eyes, especially Jehovah's. I really think this past Sunday's Watchtower article was helpful to those who are dating. That's the sort of stuff we kept in mind, because you never want to give others in the congregation the wrong idea, even though you know you aren't doing anything wrong.
Basically, I don't think there should be a limit to how much time you spend together, as long as you are smart about it. I know couples here who, when they were dating, rode alone in cars together all the time, and stuff like that. That's where it can get messy. I'd say, if you are careful about HOW you spend your time together, then the amount of time shouldn't make a difference. After all, how else are you supposed to get to know the person in every situation, if you aren't seeing them in those situations? When you are dating someone, you are learning more about them all the time, and spending time with them is a key way to do that, as long as it's done wisely.
Ok....I'm done rambling.
that is one thing i could never understand...people get so upset over 2 people driving together in a car. no where does it say not to drive together-it says don't go park somewhere and make out. if you are really determined to do something bad, you can follow each other to a spot and get in the same car and do whatever. it's just one of my pet peeves. i don't find the logic in it.
Don't get me wrong...I don't get overly worked up over it. I just know of certain times that people have done that around here, and trouble has ensued. For me and my husband, we figured "better safe than sorry." That was just our opinion. I certainly won't judge others for what they do, but just from a cautious standpoint, that's my view on it.
see, i'm with you. especially if you're seriously dating or engaged. so you're in a car. big deal. moving at 55 mph kind of prevents any craziness.
Yeah, I've always had a thing about this too. I understand the need for being cautious not for the sake of making sure we don't do anything, but just to make sure we don't get in trouble. If people are determined to bow-shaka-wow-wow then they'll figure out how to do it!
Very true, but I think that if one or both persons has a "past" (I don't know any other way to put it), it's better to be careful. You never want rumors to start, and so sometimes you have to be overly careful. That's when I think it should really apply.
People'll start rumors about anyone..past or not. Even! if they don't have even the littlest bit of factual basis. So sad.
This is true. I just know that, as long as we didn't give people something to talk about, they were less likely to do it. If we were covering our butts, it was easier to not only stop rumors, but stop from being tempted, too.
haha so true. people talk no matter what you do. you have know idea how many times i've wanted to jump up and give a talk entitled "Minding Your Own Business."
Yeah I know what you mean Janine. Why can't people just mind their own business. It's ridiculous.
Oh my word.....I couldn't agree more. Every young person and old person in my hall needs to hear that talk. If you ever develop it, give me your outline. Hehehe.
just tell them the scripture that says that....I can't even remember where it's at now.....and i just recited it the other day
exactly. and do you know how impossible it is once you are engaged to have someone constantly w/ you to go to reception halls, photographer, florist, etc. I can't see driving all over the place in seperate cars or not going somewhere at all b/c there is no one to go with you.
This is true. It was a pain in the butt for us. It's manageable, but annoying.
but there is a back seat, haha
um you'd think...BUT there are a few funky things i've seen in cars next to me....LOL
haha yeah, but if you are doing that, you are pretty determined to be bad anyway and seperate cars isn't going to stop you
I think like..the whole idea is "being in seperate cars stops the temptation" hah..suuuuure it does!
lol SO true!
AMEN!!!...I cannot stand this..like, i've never paid any attention to the whole "don't be alone in a car w/a girl" thing to begin with - but the mere fact that it'd possibly be an issue if it was brought to certain peoples attention annoys the crap outa me...&, you KNOW these same people who are giving counsle did the same thing when they were our age...bottom line..teens and people in their early 20's are made to look like sex crazed maniacs via some of these principles sometimes, like, life is circumstantial, two people of the opposite sex, being in a car alone, does NOT automatically = boot knocking...it depends on the people involved
Yeah I know it's rather ridiculous escpecially when you've been friends with someone for like 20 years. I mean if you were going to do something I think it would have happened by now. I mean really. People can be so annoying.
that is so true!!! I've stopped listening to what others say in that regards. i have a male best-freind and we go places alone and some have "talked" its annoying
i agree with a lot of this conversation, but come on, sometimes (you see this happen with people who are old and desperate) they one day look at each other and say "we've been friends for 20 years lets change that" and that's life
thats true in some case, then there's the cases, like me, that it would be incestuous cuase this friends like a family member
Yes in some situations I do understand it. There are situations where this could be very dangerous but at the same time that's not always the case. Maybe I'm wrong I don't know that's just my 2 cents on the subject.
i think perrin is talking more in a situation like mine and his friendship (and like socogal & her friend) we've been friends just about our whole lives so if there was going to be something there it probably would have come up long before now. it's like people make blanket rules about things w/o considering circumstances. perrin & i drove to mtn creek tog. a couple of wks ago. big stinking deal. it would be retarded to drive 1 1/2 in seperate cars. i was just WAITING for someone to say something about it...
Haha i was gonna say the same thing... It's just a funny issue
does your husband know about the times we snuck out to KINGS ISLAND together??
good times
SHHHHH!!! He might be reading this!! ;)
OK..here goes...There have been many cases, especially in copurtship, wherein I may talk to one elder and he may say I should see my girlfriend a specific number of times in one week, and limit the amount of times we update each other on the phone about our days activities; while another elder will say that when courting, conversation is the single best way to get to know one another, and as long as the conversation is appropriate and the time spent chaperoned, EXTRA time should be taken to get to know that person. And when i spent some time looking both situations, i realized that because this was not a specific biblical point that we could turn to and find a set answer to, it is often left up to a combination of circumstance and (yes boys and girls) personal choice. I find that often, many elders, having the best of intentions, do occaionally add their own personal preferences into advice...and occasionally we servants, pioneers, and publishers can not easily seperate the advice from the counsel. Often an elder will tell you what worked best for THEM while courting, which is very nice, but situations can differ in cases of long-distance relationships and age. Basically, all the advice comes down to: dont put yourself in a position where something bad COULD happen because it probably will. Besides that, we have been given the gift of discernment. whew.
Heehee whew! Thanks, I think that really was the point my mind has been struggling to put into words.
i hate when people pass off their opinion as "biblical fact"!..so annoying...
:) youre amazing.
yeah um, I guess it depends how you would define courting? I think that when a couple is seriously thinking about marriage in the near future, they should spend as much time as humanly possible together. How else can they possibly know if they're making the right choice.
Of course time ALONE is not the best idea but time in general, to me at least, seems like a MUST.
Spend time at each other's houses and see how you interact with each others families, etc. etc. Go out in service together, go to the meetings together, I duno I would say do as much as you can together... cos after all after the wedding day it's gonna be ALL THE TIME and you better be sure you're gonna like that!
That's what I was thinking..I really didn't get what the brother (maybe because I didn't hear the talk personally) was talking about. Okay, budget the time you are together alone..duh! But, when other people are around? I don't see the problem, especially if the other people are mature adults.
I agree. If you are seriously planning to marry then you should spend enough time together to get to know each other (though, you can never completely know someone by just dating - lol).
Buuuuut, I would say that if marriage is not near in the future then limit the time you spend together. I think the advice is given because the closer you grow to a person the more more comfortable you will feel around him/her and that could lead to a problem as far as conduct.
Yes there is a section in the Young People as Book about that. A guy and a girl can be just friends but when they are exclusive friends and Best Friends then an emotional attachment is bound to happen and that is what you have to be careful of becoming to emotionally attached to someone of the opposite sex.
i dunno, i think sometimes i've spent too much time with the person and other times not enough. BALANCE is the key...
easy answer! balance, in this world, is among the most impossible things to attain!
yeah, it's true....a lot of times you don't realize that you aren't properly balanced until you fall over
Yeah..and then you're sitting on the ground wondering what the heck happened.
i just drop kicked you..THAT'S what happened
that's so my word!
don't listen to them lyndz, me and you can spend ALL our time together!
Yes! Whooo! That takes a load off my mind!
hmm...maybe the grapevine twisted the facts as it always does..lol from what i know, when u are a serious couple and you are courting, there are times when you can be with just that person. perhaps youd both meet at a restaurant, eat dinner, discuss sumthin that is just between you and them, and then leave your seperate ways. so that is the type of association and time you want to limit with your partner. because although you may need to talk to just that person, you dont want to find yourself doing that too much. i didnt bother doing any research on that but i know 3 close friends of mine are dating now...2 of them are elders and one is an MS. They each spend alot of time with their partners...sometimes 5, 6 days in a week, and maybe more then once a day. So if i were to hear that we have to limit spending time with your partner...that just doesnt seem to make sense. However if its that you have to limit "alone time" with your partner..well then yea i can completely understand. This all proves why you hafta be out of the bloom of youth though, since the pressures and desires your facing when your old enough to date, arent the same as when your younger.