Assassin foiled

I was notified by the FBI recently that apparently an attempt on my life was made, but fortunately not successful. Yes I know what you're thinking, but no, it wasn't a woman, though it was because of a woman named Nancy.

As the story goes a local mailperson, named Phillip Oswald Bocks(or P.O. Bocks as he is known at the Post Office) became engraged when handling the endless stream of my fan letters to Nancy Sinatra(daughter of the legendary Frank). He was further frustrated by my innocent failure to comply with the standard letter-addressing rules.

This caused Bocks to "go postal", as it were, and seek me out with murder in his heart and a six-gun in his hand. Fortunately, the smell of a honey-mustard covered hot dog contained in the envelope recently mailed by myself to Nancy attracted a pack of neighborhood mailman-hating dogs whose attack on Bocks saved him from the embarassment of having his bullets miss my body due to my ninja-like reflexes and ability to shift my internal organs.

Bocks has been dealt with appropriately; he now works in the only place a man of his mental state deserves to be employed at: the customer service counter at the central Post Office.