From David's Inbox: Kids Say

Betsy, a grammar-school teacher from Miami, remembers

this Oscar-worthy birth tableau from one of her students.

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have

two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is

the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few

years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always

have a few sessions with my students. It helps them

get over shyness and experience a little public

speaking. And it gives me a break and some guaranteed

entertainment.

Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in

pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they

catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any

boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug

it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright,

very out-going kid, takes her turn and waddles up to

the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her

sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.

"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell

you about his birthday. First, Mommy and Daddy made

him as a symbol of their love, and then Daddy put a

seed in my mother's stomach, and Luke grew in there.

He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and

I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had a video

camera rolling. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mother starts

going, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind her

back and groans.

"She walked around the house for, like an hour, "Oh,

oh, oh!'" Now the kids' doing this hysterical

duck-walk, holding her back and groaning.

"My father called the middle wife. She delivers

babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like

the Domino's man. They got my mother to lie down in

bed like this." Erica lies down with her back against

the wall.

"And then, pop! My mother had this bag of water she

kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew

up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" The

kid with her little hands is miming water flowing

away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts going push, push, and

breathe, breathe. They start counting, but they never

even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes

my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff they said

was from the play-center, so there must be a lot of

stuff inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and

returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the

loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I

bring my camcorder - just in case another Erica comes along.