The Idiot's Guide to the Opposite Sex
I have been commissioned to explain what girls want. I'll make a small list that can be added on.
GUYS-you gotta do the same for yourselves. I think Bryan should do it. Otay?
1. Girls remember everything you say, if you say you will do something, you have basically signed a contract in blood. We expect you to follow through. If it's a maybe in your head, tell us its nothing definite.
2. Girls don't like to carry the conversation. We like an exchange of dialogue.
3. Using the word "hot" all the time can be a turnoff.
4. Don't spit on the ground. It's gross.
5. Opening doors is a nice thing to do, even in the new millenium.
6. Take the initiative. Girls hate to ask. Makes us feel like we are nagging or begging.
Ok, I started with a few...I am passing the torch. Let's see what everyone comes up with.
AI Summary
112 Comments
Say "its ok" to women. A WHOLE LOT!! it really is important. DO NOT confuse the power of this statement followed by a hug or kiss on the forehead (i suggest the latter, but the former is just as good) with actual logic or reasoning...
yeah, see, its so simple...girls just want to feel like guys care...its soooo simple, why don't guys get it?
they don't pay attention. they have selective hearing
what was that? i couldn't hear you i was too busy slamming my muscular body full force into a brick wall
I don't know, but i am trying to educate guys about the ease of women. Amazing how many think they are difficult to deal with..
haha...uh, i thought you hated women and thought they made no sense or something?
did somebody hack into pat's name again?
OK the whole no sense thing is just a misconception i cultivate to give myslef an edge. BUT YES, women are da debil. My momma said so...
This reminds of a different sort of molitoff cocktail.
molotov!
There is no guide. People are attracted to whomever wherever they choose or not choose.
eh, there's not really a choosing involved.....attraction is involuntary, happens by itself regardless of wheter we want to be attracted to the person or not...which is why it doesn't make sense for any of us to make fun of eachother for finding certain people cute, lol, ya can't judge involuntary actions..it sure is fun though!
awww...it sounds like you are speaking from personal experience here. if it makes you feel better, i never mocked you for your taste in rocker chicks.
um, yes & no, cause I make fun of others for the same thing...like dan hill & his obsession w/the "beautiful" helen hunt....or, my friend bobby & his obsession w/the olsen twins, I think they're disgusting....lol, what I'm saying is we ALL do it but if ya think about it doesn't really make sense...
it's true, to each their own.
the olsen twins are hot....helen hunt...is not
we're SOO not friends anymore.
>courtney sighs with relief and takes a moment to congratulate herself for her brilliance.<
hahaha, this deserves a funny highlight...but unfortunately, being that this is in the macking forum...it'll never get it because of dictator dan. props anyhow
i've actually heard that your sense of smell has something to do with the kinds of people you are attracted to. i'm too tired to bother looking up any links to back me up, but I also heard that all these perfumes are throwing everything off.
yeah, i believe it....phermones...all about phermones
It totally is. Could I be any more in love with my Victoria Secrets Very Sexy perfume?
dude. that's sooo dumb. i am incredibly attracted to any girl wearing "Dream" from the GAP
heh, funny...i used to wear that every single day...so if i wear that around you, does that mean i can get you to do anything i want?
yeah. except i'll only do what i want. so, i guess not.
::toxicgirl throws her half full bottle of perfume in trash can::
I have 4 other Gap perfumes, Om, Blue, Heaven, and Spring...will I need to discard those as well? And just to be on the safe side, I also have,Tommy Girl, CK One, Body shop Vanilla and Fuzzy peach, and finally Demeter's Laundromat. Please don't say Laundromat, it's my favorite.
haha..in other words.."I DON'T WANT DAN BEING ANYWHERE NEAR ATTRACTED TO ME"
yeah, most of the animal kingdom works on the same premiss....attracted to eachother via pheramones...
i really wanna get a perfume that smells like the beach. oh so good. that's the scent man.
yo the beach smells like the ocean..& the ocean smells like fish....& fish smell...
no! not like smelly beach. like waterfalls and clear waters mixed with the smell of summer. all the wonderful parts of summer that you can think of mixed into a smell.
...The scent of hot garbage, ruminating in the 90 degree heat - Automobile exhaust of a highway FULL of beach goers, filling the air...The sweat-fueld body odor of obese women, jogging by, trying to get in shape so they can fit into that bikini...AH, the sweet smells of summer
hahah. yeah EXCEPT NOT AT ALL!! the smell of warm, clean water comin in off the ocean, salt water, beautiful flowers, ice cream, excitement, anticipation, happiness, open fires on the beach, bbq, tanning oil, smooth skin, smoothies on the beach, lounging for days, laughter for hours.
THAT part of summer.
actually i wouldn't mind a perfume that smells like i was sitting next to a fire. i love the way my hair smells after i sit by a fire. sooo good.
i found this humorous and it fit here so here it goes:
God made men and women to complement each other with the unique traits each were given:
WOMEN
Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy, and laugh when they are nervous. Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend, after a snowy drive home. They are childcare workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms, biker babes, and your neighbors. They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms.
They fight for what they believe in. They stand up against injustice. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart-they know that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in houses, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin. Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want in return is a hug, a smile, and for you to do the same for people you come in contact with.
MEN
Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders...
yeah, as funny as this is, you actually think this way, lol..which isn't cool
killing spiders however is not cool. removing them from the area i am in and putting them outside is very cool because they eat other bugs.
Dont let me find your ex's name or phone number anywhere... that would be a just cause for me to cut your tires....
haha YES! ex means past.. there should be no present contact
i don't agree with this...i think it's okay...well, i guess i shouldn't....just considering...................
well ok, i can c ur point...let me re-phrase it...i def feel like there shouldn't be any private phone calls or hang out times being made with the ex.. if they are in the same circle then obviously they will have to see each other some time.... but it shouldn't be on a one-on-one basis... ya kno?
yeah, cause it would suck if your bf got back together with his x right? Seen it happen...
yea... to put it lightly,,, that would suck
indeed...then you'd start to question whether they ever really cared about you in the first place
Which will in turn give u just cause for cuttin his tires and not only that if he left me for her thats a sure brick thru the wind sheild...
I'll save a spot in jail for ya....
Hey that wont happen i know all the officers out here they all love me. :-p
Please my cousin been arrested so many times they know me by name.
Oops, I did that
I got one. NEVER be seen by the same girl twice in the same day with YOU wearing the same clothes each time. SOO lame.
Dan, how do you get so many girls?? like, all my friends are attracted to you. PLUS brian's female friends.
Don't tell us we cry too much, it isn't nice.
SO TRUE! i hate it when guys get all weird when girls cry... yo its just sumthing that we do! if u upset us, expect tears and don't complain about it!
who complains when a girl cries? thats when i make my move.. wrap my strong arms around her. protect her... make her feel like it's only me and her in the world.. all her worries disappear.. give her a little head massage.. and then say " yo get off me ! "
one time i boy said to me "o stop crying, girls only do that for attention" i then proceeded to kick him in the balls... i haven't seen him since... but yea i've def have boys said to me that they hate it whens girls cry cuz it makes them uncomfortable..
Now see if EVERY girl did that, all men would be more sensitive to a woman's crying. You're on to something mel....
LOL yea... my goal is to make ALL males sensitive... one by one, i will take over the world!
hahahaha i bet HE was crying after that.
yes.. in fact he fell to the ground crying.... i laughed
number 1.. a kick in the balls... NO. there is seriously no reason for that. except unless he's forcing himself upon you... or doing something really bad.. like.. cutting your head off. otherwise.. a kick in the babymakers.. are off limits. seriously. thats the begining of life right there. without that.. there would be no more babies .. no more children.. no more world. is that what you want? you want a world with out little thumb suckers. huh huh.. you sexist!
or unless he's trying to give your stuffed polar bear a swirly...very unacceptable
thats rough. really really rough
no what's rough is a poor innocent bear getting dangled over the toilet with threats to flush his head. there is something so wrong about that. poor bear
you're evil. really really evil
i know. you had better keep a close eye on the gorkster or he may be getting a ride in the porcelein throne
how about you shave your darn polar bear neked.. put glue all over your body and glue the polar bear fur all over your body.. run around eating sushi and throwing ice cubes.. and then when the jew comes home give him a great big BEAR HUG and say ... " flush meeee flush meeee"... and see what happens
wow, sounds like you get a little enraged when i start threatening YOUR pets. but you do have some good ideas hahahahahaha
Hmm... The beginning was good, (I'm glad someone finally said it), but I don't understand the degeneration at the end.
That's ty -points to the resident asian- he has some weird version of ADD.
I think the big problem is that we have no idea what is going to upset you at any given time. Girls are just so inconsistent in this respect.
I think I can give you that. But I've had people tell me that I cry too often, which I don't think is a very fair thing to say. People have all different ways of dealing with stuff, and instead of bottling it up inside crying really helps.
Girls rarely ever say what they mean. If they did, it would be way too simple. We need to make guys do a little bit of work, but basically, it all comes down to wanting to see them show how they really feel about us.
Example: Do whatever you want-And what YOU want, better be what I want.
Also, I would like to take this opportunity to announce that, starting today, and lasting THROUGH ETERNITY, I am going to be Daniel Hill's personal servant. Any laundry that needs washing, ironing, and even trash removal will be done by yours truly. I can also be loaned out for show shovelling and VCR and gun repair (courtesy of the sally struthers course over the TV)
umm, yeah...this was edited
No, I don't think it was.
So, I have a question. If all this stuff is true, why is it that girls really seem to go for the jerks? I have two theories as to why this is true. The first is that girls secretly enjoy being around jerks and that they get some sort of sadistic pleasure out of complaining about it to their girlfriends. The second is that girls are just as, if not more, shallow than guys and base their appraisal of a guy almost solely on whether he's hot or not. Opinions?
I think girls have really bad self esteem so they don't think they can get better so this guy comes up to them and is really nice at first (he has to be to get a girl) but once she's locked into this relationship the guy starts acting like a total jerk. Of course, he pays attention to her (not positive attention) so she enjoys that in some messed up way. And he can be nice to her, sometimes..but most of the time he's just a jerk. However, she thinks so badly of herself (and he makes her think even worse of herself) that she just stays with him.
a lot of girls want to "fix" guys. many times the jerky ones have problems and she's martyring herself and sticking with it b/c she thinks she can help him and he will actually change and they will skip into the sunset together. in reality those girls need to stop watching soap operas.
those chicks get beat!... you ain't changing a man. unless he's some pu..nked whipped hobo.. from the dirty south. holla.
yeah, some girls, or, people in general, are so conditioned to look down on themselves, and being looked down on, that they almost subconsciously seek it out - because they're so used to it that even though it's obviously a negative influence on them, it's all they know
SOME girls like jerks for two reasons (1)some girl has low self esteem, and its hard to get guys when you have low self esteem because you dont' advertise yourself, or you appear pititful and sad - turn-offs to most people in general. But jerks will take anything that wears a skirt. Hence, she settles. (2) Most girls do like "manly men," prince charming types, but in their minds they overhype this to macho men and bad boys. Who usually turn out to be jerks.
nicely put
This is so funny in that it is simple, "girls 101". Of course not all of my male compatriots have made the same thorough research that i have, so i still hold the sage position. OK HERE IT IS, MAN OR WOMAN, IF YOU ARE HAVING A PROBLEM LET ME KNOW!!!! Try out the Patrick relationship guide to the oppostie sex for a month, and if you don't like it, then return it for a full refund...
for real pat? i think i need this guide....
yeah but it only explains and gives reasons, it isn't the How to get a man/woman/compatible soy lover at all costs. That isn't the nicest book, and i don't like reading from it....
Alright man.. so i have this problem.. me and this girl are dating... but she wants me to like her sister.. and is trying to hook us up.. but i'm still dating her.. and she still likes me.. but thinks i'm good for her sister too. sooo what do i do ?
Don't look at other females when you're with us, or make a comment about them. DO it when we're not around. Or you WILL feel the wrath & pain.
This is funny..because I'm usually the one to admit that some girl is hott because I've never had a problem doing that. We'll be sitting somewhere and I'll go "Oh wow..she's really pretty" and he can go "yeah, I guess so" and it not be a problem with me. Of course the better response is "yeah, but you're prettier" but he has to mean it too.
yea i do that too... i'm the one whos like "yea shes hott" but i really don't care if he thinks other girls r pretty, boys r allowed to find other girls attractive cuz i kno that they r just random strangers on the street...
ok heres some good ones:
-->girls just want to feel special this is a BIG one! talking about other girls or how much fun u have when we are not around does NOT make us jealous. what it actully does it make us think u r less of a person and therefore we will not want to be with you any more. u MUST show us that we are the most important thing in your life-OR ELSE.
-->we don't like cars we don't care how fast ur car can go or who u raced and beat. we would rather not have to pick our boyfriends dead body off the road so how about you guys try not to kill urself.
-->CALL US! we HATE to always be the one who has to call u. guys will let days go by before u decide its time to pick up the fone and call. girls on the other hand would like to be able to talk to u every day. if this is too much to ask, go find urself a one night stand somewhere cuz we r not interested.
-->being an idiot is not attractive u wanna show off in front of ur boys? fine. just do it when i'm not there and DON'T tell me about it afterwards. i don't think u acting like ur 5 is very funny nor do i care how much trouble u can get into without getting caught.
haha ok sorry for the harshness-it reflects my mood right now
i think that calling thing is FREAKIN RIDICULOUS...i HATE it when you are forced to call the girl, with no clue about whether she wants to talk, or who else she's talking to, etc. What if he's calling, and she SEES it's him, and doesn't answer on purpose??? i think the rules require the guy call 2x - if he gets no response or call back, the girl must call and beg for forgiveness, and also bring him donuts. whether she wants to or not.
yes! i find that really annoying. i know this girl who like wanted me to call her whenever she told me to later that day. at first i said i would, but then i'd forget cuz i get busy with stuff and she'd get all mad. and now, i always respond with an 'i'll try.'
we are no longer best friends...
Sadly, I enjoy racing my car. Well..not my car because the volvo does not really move very much. BUT! I love racing my dads saturn at stop lights and I think the Red Baron is gonna be lots of fun.
Calling..I hate the telephone. It's very exciting to be called but talking in person is so much better.
no, she means guys that TRY to race cars JUST to impress girls. which rarely (if ever) works.
Oh..ok well that's different! I don't see why fast cars should impress girls
hate to say this, but yes, dan is right, that is what i meant...
wow, i don't follow these rules at all. OKay, well the first one of course, yeah...i want to feel special...thats a given...i think everybody does...but the rest:
-I think its hot when guys are into their cars. Cars are this secret appeal which I don't understand...plus, i like it when they get a kick out of waxing and fixing mine. And racing is fun.
-The boys are ussually the ones who call me and i never call them...hmm, i guess i'm the guy in that manner...something about the phone scares me.
-You've never met my ex, haha...trying to get kicked out of walmart...good times, good times (i can think of so many more examples of the stupidity...and each one will probably make me laugh)
Apologizing... dont have us not talk to you for 2 weeks before you apologize.
YES!! ugh boys and there ego...
I totally agree with the first one!
*When walking on the street make sure the girl is walking on the inside so the guy gets hit by the car.
*Big presents are always needed..flowers are beautiful.