i am really really happy for my friends that are happy single. and i'm really really happy for my friends that are happily married. it just makes me very sad when they are commenting on my situation cos i want to find my happiness either way. i haven't found it yet. putting pressure on me just doesn't help.

when i was 18, i went through two back to back relationships. both with guy friends that we mutually decided-hey we get along really well let's try taking this to a dating level. at 18, i definitely wasn't ready for a commitment so what was the heck was the reason i did that: a mix of my own stupid immaturity and pressure from peers. i could've continued getting to know either one or even both of those brothers on a friendship level. both of these relationships ended up hurting all 3 of us (we were all close friends before and aren't now) and our families as well. personally, i wasn't ready for something serious at that age. i'm not sure if i'm even ready for it now. i'm not sure if i'll ever be ready for it.

now if i like a brother, i keep it to myself. call it being guarded, not trusting or whatever you want. i call it "not jumping the gun." girls are viciously fighting over guys in desperate efforts to get in a relationship and get married. they leave a trail of broken friendships and relationships in their wake. it's not worth that to me. i want happiness for myself and my friends and everyone really. i know my time will come for happiness (in whatever capacity that is). if we all focused on our own spirituality and letting it affect our personality, we'd all get along better.

sorry i rambled...