so to update i went to a brother that does deep tissue neurology massages. the most painful experience ever. something that i imagine having children is like. his conclusion of my back problems was...

did you go to Derek Oliver? and did he make you fart?

i did indeed go to derek but no on the farting question. which leads me to believe that you have gone and he made you fart. he just gave me bruises.

I will never go for fear of farting.